I, LIKE, BROKE A NAIL!
by BoReD-n-OhIo
Summary: what if the fellowship acted like the cliques at my high school? find out here! Well, it's all over. I've got nothin' left to write about! Chapter 7 is up, but it's just a note. Please read the story if you haven't though!
1. WoO hOo!

Disclaimer: don't own it! R&R please! Flames will be used to burn my old school uniforms!  
  
A/N: I normally try NOT to stereotype people, but it's almost as if the students at my school are TRYING to be stereotyped! So shame on them, not me! Also, I'm sorry to any readers from Arkansas. I've been there and I'm just going by what I know!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*  
  
(In case you can't tell)  
  
Gandalf: Gang member  
  
Aragorn: Dumb Football Player (a/n: it's saying something when they only give special planners to football players and kids with learning disorders!)  
  
Boromir: That geeky kid who's really smart, but has absolutely no common sense  
  
Legolas: The Goth kid that NEVER smiles (a/n: only some Goths are like that)  
  
Gimli: The hillbilly (a/n: I live in Ohio, you know!)  
  
Frodo: Lead cheerleader  
  
Sam: Sidekick cheerleader  
  
Pippen: Cheerleader  
  
Merry: Cheerleader (a/n: you all know that cheerleaders never go ANYWHERE alone!)  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*  
  
The Fellowship had been on their journey for just a week and they were ready to kill each other. None of them wanted to be together, but Elrond scared them into going to destroy the One Ring together with his big nose and freaky eyebrows. It was mid morning on the eighth day and Aragorn had gotten lost for the seventeenth time and the others were searching for him. well, they were supposed to be anyway.  
  
Legolas was moping around as usual. Ever since King Thranduil of Mirkwood had told his son that he had to go on this little escapade, the elf was very different than what he used to be. His golden hair was now black and spiked and he had started wearing black make up. Legolas had tried to dye all his clothes black as well, but seeing as how he'd never done it before, they were really more grayish purple. He wore several studded and spiked bracelets and necklaces, and would hardly talk to anybody except to ridicule them. He now wore pants that were about six sizes too big instead of tights, also.  
  
Gimli was at least trying to search, but wasn't doing a very good job of it. He looked under the occasional rock, and he thought he'd been following Aragorn's tracks, but it turns out they were actually rabbit tracks. "Well, that don't make no sense! I was sure these'ns were Arygorns! Don't that beat all!" said the confused dwarf. His father had moved him to Arkansas* when he was a child and after that his IQ just kept falling.  
  
Frodo, Sam, Pippen, and Merry were not walking through the forest, but rather dancing. Yes, dancing. They were also cheering as usual. About the third day Legolas had tried to push them of the cliff because he couldn't take much more of, "FIGHT, FELLOWSHIP, FIGHT! FIGHT WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT! GO, FELLOWSHIP, GO! HIT THEM HIGH AND LOW! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!" The hobbits were disgusted by the conditions they were living in, and made this quite apparent.  
  
"I, LIKE, BROKE A NAIL!" Screamed Sam.  
  
"You would think someone would, like, clean the dirt out of this forest, or, like, something," said Frodo in shock over how dirty the wilderness is.  
  
"Does this cloak, like, make me look fat?" asked Pippen, who was so concerned about his weight he didn't even know what they were looking for.  
  
"I'M SO, LIKE, DIRTY!" cried Merry.  
  
Needless to say, the hobbits weren't exactly succeeding in their search.  
  
Boromir was still looking for the goldfish tracks Legolas had pointed out and his pocket Legolas said he had dropped.  
  
Gandalf was walking around the forest rapping to himself. He was wearing his gang color, gray, as well as a gray bandana that was showing from under his pointy hat. He was saying "West Side." and "Word." and "Yo." every once in a while just because that's what gang members generally do.  
  
"YO! Aragorn! Get yo' dumb a** over here! Don' make me come ova dare!"  
  
He wasn't succeeding either. Where could Aragorn have gone?  
  
*For the purposes of this story, Arkansas does exist in Middle Earth.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*  
  
Will Aragorn ever be found? Will the hobbits survive the dirt? Will Legolas lighten up? Find out as soon as I have time to write more. That is if you want me to. So R&R if you want to end the crappiness that is my story. Otherwise the madness will continue! 


	2. MoRe CrAzInEsS!

Thank you, thank you, and thank you for all the reviews! In response to some, I had it all spaced out, but it changed when I uploaded. I'll try to fix it. And now for Chapter 2! Well, I'm glad someone's enjoying my dysfunctional school!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~  
  
The fellowship had been on the road for nine days now and they still hadn't found Aragorn. And to make things even better, it had started to rain. Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippen refused to come out of a nearby cave for fear that their hair might frizz. (Plus the mud! O_O) Since there was obviously no moving the hobbits, Legolas, Gimli, Boromir, and Gandalf were hanging around doing various things until the rain stopped.  
  
"Really, Boromir, I was joking. there are no goldfish tracks!" said Legolas, exasperated.  
  
"But. but. you said that. goldfish. and my pocket. and. um. I'M SO CONFUSED!" said poor pitiful Boromir.  
  
"Goldfish tracks!? Where!?!" said Gimli, interested.  
  
Legolas couldn't take it and just walked away shaking his head in disgust.  
  
"Legolas, like, where are you going?" yelled Frodo. "You're nice black make up might, like, run if you, like, get in the rain!"  
  
Legolas made a not so nice hand gesture and continued walking. Sam was quite offended, though, and yelled, "Yeah? Well, I, like, HOPE, your make up runs!"  
  
"Like, yeah!" yelled Pippen.  
  
"And those black clothes. like, SO last age!" called Merry.  
  
Gandalf watched as Legolas stalked off, muttering incoherently. However, since he was smoking his crack pipe weed, he couldn't tell it was Legolas. He though it was a very large squirrel that just happened to be muttering.  
  
"Yo! Wassup with this s**t?" thought Gandalf. Then he started talking to a nearby tree, thinking it was one of his "homies". We'll leave it at that.  
  
Legolas meanwhile was wandering the woods aimlessly, and for the record, his make up was running. He was pondering why he was trying to save Middle Earth, when he came across a few orcs. And they had Aragorn.  
  
"Hey, dude! I got lost and then they came and. I think I'm in trouble," ventured Aragorn.  
  
"Really," Legolas said, obviously with his new found sarcasm.  
  
"Uh, yeah."  
  
"Thank you Captain Obvious."  
  
Now, things could have turned very ugly with the orcs, but let's not forget about Legolas. In addition to his black(ish) clothes, many spiked necklaces and bracelets, spiked hair, and usual bow and arrows, he also had his make up smeared make up all over his face. The orcs were so scared they ran away on the spot. The two stood there a second trying to figure out what just happened and then left to go back to the rest of the fellowship.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~  
  
The rest will have to be Chapter 3. I have GOT to go do my Spanish homework. (GAGGING) Please R&R!! ( 


	3. ArAgOrN iS fOuNd!

Disclaimer: Don't own it! (And considering what I've done to poor Mr. Tolkien's work, it's a good thing, too!) Thank you everyone for reviewing and a huge thanks goes to addicted for telling me how to get it spaced out when uploaded, since I'm a moron when it comes to technology! Even though dumb football players typically date cheerleaders, I refuse to stoop as low as slash! So FORGET it! And now, Chapter 3!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*  
  
The rain had finally stopped and the hobbits felt that it was okay to finally come out.  
  
"EEEEEWWWWW!!! Like, look at all the mud!" cried Frodo.  
  
"I, like, stained my cloak! Now I'll look fat AND ugly!" Pippen exclaimed, feeling as if it couldn't get much worse.  
  
Boromir was explaining to Gimli that there couldn't possibly be any visible goldfish tracks now, because the rain had washed them all away.  
  
" Shucks! I wuz kinda hopin' that I might see me some interstin' wildlife!" said Gimli disappointed..  
  
Gandalf on the other hand was still extremely high and was still talking to one of his imaginary homies. They were having a conversation about the strange effects of Jell-O when Legolas and Aragorn showed up.  
  
"Gandalf, look who I found! We can get this trip over with now!" called Legolas.  
  
"What da hell be wrong wit you?!" yelled Gandalf, so disturbed by Legolas's appearance that he was instantly shaken out of the state he was in. "Whoa! Where da hell'd y'all go?!" he said, noticing that his homies had disappeared.  
  
Aragorn stood silent trying to figure out what was going on with Gandalf, when it finally clicked.  
  
"You were high, weren't you!?!" he said, proud of his observational skills.  
  
Legolas was ready to "accidentally" lose Aragorn again already.  
  
Just then Frodo, Sam, Pippen, and Merry showed up. Even though hobbits are against shoes, the hobbits had tied leaves on their feet in a desperate attempt to avoid getting mud on their feet. Sam was particularly having trouble.  
  
"EW, EW, EW, EW,!! It's still, like, getting on my feet! I'll, like, never survive the dirt on this trip! Elrond is, SO, like, going to pay for this when I get back! I'm going to kill hi--- Hey, that's Aragorn! Like, hi!" he said.  
  
"Hi," he said with a blank look on his face.  
  
"Okay, so, let's get moving. Where are Boromir and Gimli?" asked Legolas, ready to end this little vacation.  
  
"We're right here, we're coming!" called Boromir.  
  
Gimli and Boromir arrived and they discussed where to go to from there. The hobbits wanted to go the cleanest route, while Gimli wanted to go through Moria, which was a lot like his native Arkansas. (Except in Arkansas, you have to worry about out of control tractors instead of orcs.) Gandalf was neutral. He was high when he volunteered to be the leader of the fellowship, and had no memory of volunteering. Therefore, he had no idea that he was supposed to be leading the others. Legolas didn't care how they got there, but he wanted to get there as soon as possible, because he couldn't take much more of whining hobbits, gangsters, and just plain dumb people.  
  
"If we go east through the Misty Mountains, particularly over Caradhras, it would take us approximately two days to get to the other side. That is of course if it is no colder than twenty degrees Fahrenheit and the wind is blowing southeast. Also if my calculations are right we should only be about fifteen miles from the base of Caradhras and if we start moving now we can be at the base by nightfall," said Boromir while the others stared at him in disbelief. "And maybe we'll see some fresh goldfish tracks in the snow!" It was like a flash of lightning. One flash of brilliance, and it was gone.  
  
"Alright then, we go over Caradhras," said Legolas. "Lead the way, fearless leader."  
  
"Who, me?" asked Gandalf bewildered. " You trippin' elf-boy!"  
  
"Fine I'll do it myself!" said Legolas. "Follow me!"  
  
"Uh, where are we going again?" asked Aragorn.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~  
  
Well, it's nearly midnight, and the caffeine in the Pepsi is starting where off. Thanks for reading, Chapter 4 is coming soon! Please R&R or I will have nothing to be happy about when I get home from that hellhole called high school.! 


	4. FrOdO dId WhAt?

Wow! 20 reviews! I thought I'd get like 2 at the most! Thank you everyone! Here's Chapter 4!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
As Boromir had guessed, the fellowship reached Caradhras by nightfall. Of course, things just couldn't work out. Frodo had seen a mouse in their little camp, and instantly started screaming and jumping up and down. While he was jumping around and attempting to climb on top of Aragorn, he lost the Ring. This would seem like a terrible incident, but your forgetting whom we're talking about. Aragorn still didn't know why they were going on the journey, and didn't know why the Ring was so important, despite Legolas explaining it to him.  
  
"If we don't destroy it all of Middle Earth will fall into peril, and everyone and thing will be lost. You will never be able to regain the throne of Gondor, and marry Arwen, and you will die known as the Isildur's idiot heir who also screwed up, " he had said.  
  
Aragorn stared at him blankly.  
  
Legolas sighed. "Your gonna DIE if we don't," he said slowly and clearly.  
  
"Ooooohhhhh!" said Aragorn. "Why didn't you say so!? Wait, I get to be king!? COOL!"  
  
But, that conversation had already been forgotten. Gandalf on the other hand was intelligent enough to know what the problem was, but as I said before, he was high at the Council of Elrond. So, once again, it was up to Legolas to explain it.  
  
" Yo, why'd I come along? Dis sh*t is f*****g scary!" Gandalf said.  
  
"You, volunteered, you crack head!" said Legolas, clearly losing what little patience he had.  
  
"Yo, come say dat to my face, dawg!" yelled Gandalf, mad that he'd been "dissed".  
  
Legolas just walked away.  
  
"YEAH! That's what I thought!" yelled Gandalf after him triumphantly.  
  
Boromir had a theory that the woodland goldfish had seen Frodo drop the Ring and had stolen it while the fellowship wasn't looking. While Boromir did know the seriousness of the Ring being lost, he was going about finding it all wrong.  
  
Gimli wasn't smart enough to really know what was going on, so he just followed Boromir around. He also REALLY wanted to see the woodland goldfish.  
  
Frodo was mainly distraught because he knew that if he didn't find the Ring, not only would all of Middle Earth be lost, he would never receive the popularity he was sure he'd get after he destroyed it.  
  
"I, like, just have to find it!" he said. "Everyone will, like, totally HATE me if I cause them all, like, death!"  
  
"It's, like, okay," said Sam. "We'll like find it. And if I, like, die because of you, I won't be mad!"  
  
"Yeah, me, like, either," agreed Pippen.  
  
"Like, yeah," said Merry.  
  
Then they all had a group hug like all cheerleaders feel the need to do at ANY moment, be it bad or good.  
  
Just then Aragorn found the Ring. While Frodo was climbing him, trying to avoid the mouse, he had dropped the Ring down Aragorn's cloak.  
  
"Dude! Does this mean I get to be the king now?" he asked Legolas.  
  
"Not quite yet," he said. "Thank Valinor," he muttered under his breath.  
  
He tried to decide whether or not they should destroy the ring because of the whole king issue, but he decided that would have to wait. For now at least, they needed to go to sleep if they were to start climbing Caradhras tomorrow.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
I don't think that one was very funny, but I hope you enjoyed it. (I was just REALLY bored!) Please R&R! 


	5. GaNdAlF gOeS fOr A rIdE!

Thanks so much for the reviews and I'm so sorry it's been so long! I've had homework and student council and the homecoming dance and I can't do all that plus fan fiction! I should be doing advanced English homework right now, but I think the pronouns can wait. Anywho, I said I was going to add the slutty girls clique w/ Arwen, Galadriel, etc, but they aren't going to come in until Chapter 6 possibly. That's about it! Enjoy this chapter! Disclaimer: I don't own it now, or in Chapter 4 either, seeing as how I forgot the disclaimer last time  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
It was about 3:30 and the fellowship was standing at the base of Caradhras, They had started out early, but this was their third attempt at climbing the monstrous mountain. And now it's time for one of those flashbacks that Peter Jackson moves so much.  
  
~*~*~*~ FlAsHbAcK ~*~*~*~  
  
It was early morning and the sun was just barely starting to come up. It was very cold as the fellowship started climbing the towering mountain before them. Surprisingly, there hadn't been much incident yet that morning. (Aside from the hobbits having a fight about something or other, but we all know that cheerleaders get into these little fights and by noon they are usually friends again. Legolas was actually quite relieved that since they weren't talking to each other, they weren't cheering together either.) Anyway, they were about a fourth of the way up when the first problem occurred,  
  
Gandalf dropped his crack pipe and without thinking about it-he was high-he lunged to catch it. He missed and was sent rolling down the mountain after it. As a result, the rest of the fellowship went rolling/falling/sliding down Caradhras after him. Gandalf's screams could be heard miles around.  
  
"OH SH*T! OW! OH SH*T! OH F*****G SH*T! OW!" he screamed. Legolas wasn't exactly enjoying himself either.  
  
"WHY.OW! THE HELL.OW! DID YOU.OW! HAVE TO.OW! JUMP LIKE. OW! THAT?!" he yelled while trying to dodge rocks.  
  
"SHUT THE HELL UP, YO! I DIDN'T.OW! F*****G DO IT ON.OW! PURPOSE!"  
  
And so they kept rolling until they hit the bottom and then tended to their cuts and bruises.  
  
~*~*~*~ EnD FlAsHbAcK~*~*~*~  
  
That was their first mishap. But it got worse as you will see in this second flashback.  
  
~*~*~*~FlAsHbAcK~*~*~*~  
  
By the time they had tended their cuts and bruises and they were ready to start again it was nearly 10:00. Legolas confiscated Gandalf's crack pipe, which they had found at the bottom of the mountain. Gandalf was not happy about it, but Legolas threatened to tell the others about his fear of bunny rabbits if he didn't give it up. (Legolas found Gandalf up in a tree trembling at the sight of two bunnies on the ground one day.) So they started again. This time it was the hobbits' turn to screw it up.  
  
"You, like, are a, like, huge, loser!" Frodo yelled back to Merry, who was near the end of the line.  
  
"Like, what has he, like, ever done, like, to you?" yelled Pippen.  
  
"Stay, like, out of it!" called Sam.  
  
"Why, like, don't you?" said Frodo to Sam.  
  
"Like, you're the, like, biggest loser of all, like, Sam!" yelled Merry . "Like, leave Sam alone, like you big, like, loser!" Pippen said.  
  
"You're, like, all big losers!" said Frodo.  
  
Pippen was very angry at this point and launched a huge snowball at Frodo. Frodo thought it was Merry and threw one at him. Merry thought it was Sam, so he threw one at him, but missed and hit Boromir. Boromir thought it was Sam, and Sam thought it was Gimli and threw one at him. Gimli threw it so hard that Sam fell down and started rolling down the mountain. Sam rolled into Gandalf who then fell down as well. The two of them rolled all the way down to the bottom again, and Gandalf could be heard from miles away again.  
  
"DAMN YOU, SAMWISE GAMGEE! OW! YO! DIS IS ALL YO FAULT! OW! SH*T!" HE YELLED.  
  
"IT, LIKE, OW! WASN'T ME WHO, LIKE, OW! STARTED IT! I, LIKE, THINK, IT WAS LIKE, PIPPEN!"  
  
"DAT FOOL OF A F*****G TOOK! OW!"  
  
Once they got to the bottom, they waited for the rest of the fellowship to come down and get them. When the got down there Gandalf chased Pippen around for a while ("YOU FOOL OF A F*****G TOOK!) And the hobbits apologized because they felt bad about Sam.  
  
~*~*~*~ EnD FlAsHbAcK~*~*~*~  
  
"How about we take the Mines of Moria instead?" asked Legolas.  
  
The rest of the fellowship was all for that, seeing as how the mountain just wasn't working. Boromir was upset that his one brilliant plan didn't work, but he was bruised enough that he really didn't care that much. And so they headed off to Moria as the hobbits started cheering again, and Legolas was ready to push them off a cliff again.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
WOO HOO!! DONE! Hope you enjoyed it, and next time, we'll follow the fellowship into Moria! Please R&R as always! 


	6. GoOd ClEaN? mOrIa FuN!

YAY!! I made a serious writer laugh! (Yes, I know it lacks a plot.that's why I'm writing as Bored-N-Ohio!) Thanks to everyone for reviewing, and I guess this leaves me no choice but to write Chapter 6! Disclaimer: I'm so, so sorry to Mr. Tolkien who owns this  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*  
  
The fellowship wandered around for a few days before they finally arrived at the entrance to Moria. Unfortunately, Gandalf was the only one who knew the password. Therefore, he demanded Legolas give back his crack pipe or he wouldn't say the password. Things would have worked out fine, except for the fact that as soon as Gandalf got his pipe back, he started smoking it again before anyone could stop him. This meant that their only hope of getting in the mines was currently saying random words at an attempt at the password..  
  
"Cow! Nah, dat ain't it. Fuzz! Nah, dat ain't it either! Banana?" he rattled off.  
  
"Like, this is SO, like, pointless," said Frodo. "What's he, like, gonna say next? Melon?"  
  
And with that the doors opened. (And that's how it REALLY happened!)  
  
When they had first arrived, the hobbits had been doing their usual cheering. This disturbed a creature in the lake, river, canal, um, thing. (What was it again? Oh, well.) Anywho, the thing grabbed Frodo as he was entering the mines.  
  
"AHHHHHH! EEEWWWWW! IT'S SLIMY!!" he screeched.  
  
Aragorn, Legolas, and Boromir ran to rescue him, while Merry, Sam, and Pippen cheered for them. The creature couldn't take the cheering, and dropped Frodo to go hind in the nice QUIET lake, river, canal, thing. And that was that.  
  
Once inside the mines, Gandalf warned the others that there are fouler things than orcs in the deep places of the world. (They all figured it was the crack talking.)  
  
"Like, oh, say. BUNNY RABBITS!?" Legolas asked him.  
  
"AHHH! WHERE?!" he yelled, jumping into Aragorn's arms.  
  
"Hehehe."  
  
Three hours later the fellowship was lost, and Frodo had noticed something following them.  
  
"Dat's Gollum, yo!" Gandalf answered when Frodo screeched that there was something down there.  
  
"No! The really nasty looking one!" said Frodo.  
  
"Oh! Dat's Arwen!" Gandalf said.  
  
"AAAAAHHHHHH! I have to marry that skanky ho!?" Aragorn yelled, quite startled.  
  
And with that, they lost Aragorn AGAIN! He may be a dumb football player, but he wasn't THAT stupid!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~  
  
You wouldn't believe how long it took me to write that! Sorry, I've been really busy! I hope you enjoyed it, despite the very corny jokes. I really intended to write more, but I decided to post this while I wrote the next part. So please review, and stay tuned for more fun in Moria! Hasta la bye- bye! 


End file.
